fun_to_make (fun_to_make) wrote,

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I Wish...

Can I disappear? Just for a little while? It's been awhile since I have written a serious entry. This is about as serious as it gets, I guess.

I'm kinda of excited about going to Atlanta. I get to see my uncle, I get to see the city, and all of that other fun stuff. However, lately there has been some drama about the family. I don't feel like explaining it because it would take too long. I save all my drama for my momma (Sometimes my daddy too!).

The point is that this trip may not be as enjoyable because of that drama. I'm all down and stuff for having a good time, but I know that shit will hit the fan if either my mother or I open our big mouthes. We tend to disagree on everything, so I know that if we get in a fight up there one of two scenarios will happen.

1). My mother and I will have an all out war while my uncle watches. He will eventually find out that what we are talking about involves him too, and he might get a tad bit mad. (Yes, said drama has to do with him. In fact, it's pretty much all about him).

2). My mother will make stupid comments from the time we arrive to the time we leave and on the flight back home I will implode because I am a bitch and will not be able to take teh stoopid.

I should have listened to my mother. This trip may have been a bad idea. Damn, all the times I don't want to listen to her and she seems to be right. But we shall see. I need to control myself and take deep breathes. Many of them.

Yeah... this will be fun!

Note: This is the part that may or may not make sense to you. Feel free to disregard or read anyway.

Damn, I really am a big asshole. Ugh... I wish I didn't get mad at everything nowadays. I seem to be doing that alot. Not to mention freaking out about stuff that is really not that important. I wish that I had delt with the stuff that was important sooner. I wish that I could just break down and make every bad thing go away. I wish that I could do it for everyone. I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I was just better in general. I wish that I could really just say and do what I wanted without being judged or looked down upon. I wish I wasn't so selfish all the time. Most of all I wish I could be myself. I'm starting to get that feeling like you're in a crowd, surrounded by people, but you're so alone. The ironic thing is that I am by myself and I feel that. I wish I could just figue things out. Just go somewhere nice and private and just... think. I really, really wish I wasn't such a big asshole, too.
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